Have you ever wondered which US politicians are Harry Potter characters? Of course you have. How else would you describe who they are and what they stand for? Their policies? Please.
Anyway, that’s why I’ve decided to align various US politicians with said Harry Potter characters. Note: I have never read or watched Harry Potter. I know a few character by name only. I often imagine Harry Potter is in a prison Nazi gang due to his face tattoo. So if that’s not true, I apologize.
Here’s the obvious one:
#1: Donald Trump As Voldemort
This is the obvious choice, I think. I assume Voldemort is the bad guy of the Harry Potter series, because I always see Harry Potter fans say that Trump is Voldemort. I assume, trusting what people who make the comparison say, that Voldemort is a right-wing fascist piece of shit who acts out of interest for the upper class of the Harry Potter universe. Hmmm. I need to make the blurb for this one funny. Be right back.
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Alright, I’ve consulted with comedian Stephen Colbert, and I want to also say that Trump, Voldemort, and Vladimir Putin are all gay together.
#2: Bloomberg As House Elf
I googled “short and ugly harry potter characters” and House Elf was the thing that came up. So that’s Bloomberg, who’s essentially if Donald Trump had more money and wasn’t pretending like he’s an outsider. I would say “sociopathic narcissism and all” but that’s such a common trait for politicians that it doesn’t really matter if I point that aspect out or not. As the book “Why We Love Sociopaths: A Guide To Late Capitalist Television” by Adam Kotsko points out, a strong aspect in American culture is showing great appreciation for sociopathic characters. The Walter Whites, Tony Sopranos, Don Drapers and so forth that sacrifice the relationships and people around them to make gain in America. They are the fictional Donald Trumps and Mike Bloombergs.
#3: Joe Biden As Harry Potter
I lied. I have read Harry Potter. I thought it was fucked up when Harry Potter wrote the 1994 Crime Bill that helped bolster the prisons in the US with black people even more. Remember when Harry Potter, in book 3 — Harry Potter And The Super Predator Blacks — criticized George H.W. Bush by saying he wasn’t tough enough on crime?
Or what about when Harry Potter helped bolster the current student loan debt crisis?
It was really fucked up when Harry Potter pointed his wand at a group of black people and said “Niggasabus Disappearus!” and teleported them all to prison.
I don’t know. I thought all of those moments that definitely happened in the Harry Potter universe were fucked up. Just bringing them up again for no reason.
#4: Elizabeth Warren As Daenerys Targaryen
One of the most of underrated characters from Harry Potter, Daenerys Targaryen of House Dragon. A lot of people would call you sexist if you pointed out the time in the book when she pretended to be muggle or the time she said she wouldn’t accept SuperPAC money and ended up doing…the opposite of that statement. They are correct. Don’t talk about that.
Another reason I think this Harry Potters series comparison works is because just like Daenerys Targaryen, Elizabeth Warren is a kind mother who speaks calmly and doesn’t believe in war. For example, on her website, she talks about a “greener military” and I think that fucking rules. When the US bombs people abroad, we should start using soybean fuel instead of fossil fuel. Hell, if we take a greener approach, maybe we can start engaging in even more wars, since the carbon footprint is the only problem with war. Would Daenerys support Israel and its decades long genocidal campaign against Palestinians? I don’t fucking know. But Elizabeth Warren does. Shit, where was I going with this? Who cares about foreign policy and war. Her domestic policy is to the left of the above candidates. That’s cool, genuinely. I guess.
#5: Bernie Sanders as [Removed]
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Anyway, that’s my Harry Potter article. Thanks for reading!
